


Envy

by KaiserinAstraia



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Implied Soriku, KH1 Riku, Riku-centric (Kingdom Hearts), self-deprecating thoughts, sorry its kind of a bummer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22044475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiserinAstraia/pseuds/KaiserinAstraia
Summary: En • vy /’envē/NounA feeling of discontentment or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
Relationships: Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	Envy

**Author's Note:**

> An edited and complete version from this tweet from July:
>
>> Envy — an insidious darkness that Riku doesn’t understand [pic.twitter.com/bwdD7bfAJj](https://t.co/bwdD7bfAJj)
>> 
>> — kai ⊕ soriku endgame actually (@KaiserinAstraia) [July 3, 2019](https://twitter.com/KaiserinAstraia/status/1146456750725500929?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

En • vy /’envē/

Noun

  1. A feeling of discontentment or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.



* * *

It was black, sticky like tar and just as thick. Despite how much Riku fought the deluge, he felt it settle and fill his lungs like it meant to suffocate him. But it wasn’t so kind; it _stayed,_ a silent and heavy albatross. 

If only he could cough it out, he’d prefer his lungs to tear and rip apart than to sit there and acknowledge how _helpless_ he was, mired in his own darkness like he was just the host to a disgusting parasite.

But no. It was even worse than that, wasn't it?

If anything was the parasite, it was him, preying on the light that he felt he was _owed_ — owned. When had this happened? Sora gave out his light so freely. And maybe that was the problem. Riku felt it was owed to _him_ , and him _only,_ but it wasn't his. The light nor Sora.

The wicked power coiled and twisted in his chest, and he curled in on himself in the dark, the sheets under him sterile and hard. His body ached from the strain, but it was nothing compared to the burn of rage that rose like bile in his throat, blinding him in nausea and venom.

What did Sora have that he didn’t? Riku was stronger, his _heart_ was stronger, the Keyblade was his _first_ , he was doing the _right_ thing — for Kairi, for them. He would do what was necessary, while Sora napped and goofed off with his new friends. Riku was the hero, right? He was chosen for this!

But no, he knew, as he uncurled his hand and put it in front of his face. He couldn't see it in the dark, but he knew the dark purple flames were filling every crevice in his skin, seeping in like a brand.

He couldn't blame them — the worlds, Kairi, everyone — for preferring Sora. Sora had nothing, but he had an unfettered love for his friends, a blindness to flaws and opportunity. He held no restraint, and radiated light simply because he believed in the goodness of others. Sora didn’t take pride in himself, he valued the joy he gave to his friends. He didn't feel the universe owed him a single thing.

Riku prefered Sora, too.

Tears welled in the sides of Riku’s eyes, but he held them back, refusing to give the darkness even one more thing to take and distort from him.

But it wasn't _fair_. Sora and Riku both _cared_ , cared about their friends, and each other, supposedly — so why was Riku so wrong? And when? Why wasn't Riku free, like Sora was? _How_ was Sora so free, and how did Sora turn simplicity into miraculous power and light? How did he draw people in without asking, and keep them without trying? 

Sora was ordinary. And if Sora was ordinary, Riku was leagues below that, an insignificant speck of grime crawling and tearing his way into the spotlight that he had the audacity to attempt to claim. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have it thrust upon them… what about those who try to steal it? What happens to them?

Riku knew it was hopeless — there was nothing Riku could do to “best” Sora. He knew even before they left the islands, when Sora was all sunny smiles and lazy yawns. But Riku couldn't help but reach anyway, try to grab what was owed to him, possess it and lord it over Sora to _prove_ —

Was that why he was doing this? It wasn't to gloat over him, was it? _Was he really that petty? What would that even accomplish?_

Riku felt like he could vomit, if he dared move an inch. The darkness waited for a single moment of weakness to steal Riku’s heart away, he knew. Biding its time like a cancer. 

The more he wanted to claim, the stronger the darkness clung to his heart, snickering and breaking pieces off. The more he tried to crawl under Sora’s skin, the more the darkness crawled under his. The more worlds he saw, the more power he took, the more he avoided mirrors, unable to recognize who stared back at him when he dared to look.

Riku was… _tired;_ of give and take, light and darkness, winning and losing. If he were honest with himself — a hard venture — he’d leave now, disappear from Sora and Kairi and the big plans of Kingdom Hearts, to somewhere more fitting for someone unchosen and unworthy. But he wouldn't. 

_"Sora, let's take the raft and go—just the two of us!"_

_"You see? It's just as I told you. While you toiled away trying to find your dear friend, he quite simply replaced you with some new companions. Evidently, now he values them far more than he does you.”_

Riku _couldn’t_ leave.

The darkness vibrated like thousands of snickering voices inside of his chest, his stomach, his _head_ , because it _knew_ — knew what terrified him most. 

_If Riku left, Sora would forget him._

And _this_ was Riku’s strength — he couldn’t fear the Darkness when his heart was full of another, all-encompassing and despairing terror. He could use the Darkness to hide— no, to _shield,_ he fervently corrected— himself; to fight; to win pointless battle after pointless battle; to cement his presence in Sora’s mind and heart, whether in fear or mourning. 

Riku’s not afraid of the darkness — and envied that Sora could.

**Author's Note:**

> Dontcha just hate it when you use fic to vent, and then it turns into a character study. I didn't ask for this alkjsdlkfj
> 
> Thanks for reading! :) You can find me still screaming about soriku on twitter at KaiserinAstraia!


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